Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Clearing My Head

This is a post I've been thinking about writing for a week now. I'm having a hard time doing so but I need to clear my head! There are so many things going through my mind right now about CJ's health and it is driving me crazy. I will be spending tomorrow morning researching local therapists so I can find someone to go talk to. CJ and I try not to talk about his health issues while the boys are awake, but I have some things that I'm worried about that I don't want to talk to him about right now (we just had a long talk about a few of these things a month or so ago but given what happened last week it is on my mind again). It is not fair to stress CJ out more with my concerns. I could talk to my mom but I really feel like I need an impartial party.

When we found out last March what CJ's actual diagnosis was (Gorham's Disease) we were also informed that there will come a time where he will no longer be able to work, he will end up in a wheelchair, and will have a shorter life because of it. At first it truly freaked me out. But he started feeling better and those thoughts went on the back burner. At the beginning of December when CJ was starting to feel worse he had a rough night of horrible thoughts invading his head. He took an hour long shower where we sat on the floor of the shower crying because he was thinking about how his dad didn't get to meet me or the boys and he doesn't want that to happen to him. He is concerned about me and the boys when he is gone. At the time I still wasn't concerned about any of these things. We know it is going to happen one day, but I in my heart knew it wouldn't be anytime soon.

Last Wednesday when I was brought back to recovery to see CJ after his procedure I seriously thought this was it. He was in so much pain that they could not get under control. I am absolutely terrified of losing him. This past week has seriously put everything into perspective for me. I have hardly slept in a week, I keep asking him how he is feeling, and I stress myself out wondering how his day is and when he doesn't answer the phone I freak out. I cannot keep going on like this. It is time to talk to someone and possibly get some medicine for anxiety/depression issues. I have battled depression since Deqlan was born but it has never been bad enough where I felt the need to see someone about it. I need to get myself healthy in all aspects of life for the boys. They need to have one healthy parent.

Getting myself healthy will include losing weight once I am cleared by my surgeon and physical therapist to do more activity. I'll be joining the local gym and working out while Hayden is at school. I need to get this weight off of my body not only to be healthier but to prevent needing this same surgery on my right knee. And I need to get myself mentally healthy (does that even make sense).

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